He went online and found the photo in which she was wearing the blue dress and it made his heart break a little with nostalgia, remembering when he had seen her wear it on that beautiful day, the sun looking warm and all the colors of the world seemed to be bold and he noticed all of them, but most of all he noticed the blue dress.
Now seeing it again he almost felt sick to his stomach. It was easy for him to keep it out of his mind most of the time and he did well not to dwell on it. But there were certain times – like this time – when he saw her in a way that made him realize that she represented everything he thought he wanted in a girl.
Everything I think I want, he repeated to himself, laughing at the idea. What the fuck does that mean?
He went off and made himself a drink and later he came back and clicked on to the next one. She wore a black top that her brown hair rest upon, bringing his attention from the dress to her hair and then to her eyes, brown and deep and looking through him, and all those dark things made it clear that her teeth were her best feature, bright white and out for all the world to see.
The things men must say about her, he thought.
Well, what makes you any different, he then asked himself, what makes you think your thoughts are any better?
But he ignored his own questions and was quite pleased about it, happy to take in the girl and see where his mind wandered. There was no doubt in his head the girl could be right for him, and he her, although he knew it was not that simple.
He had dreamt about her lips on his and he remembered the dreams well. He could feel all the details and see the way she looked at him and he began to wonder what made this memory different from any other memory he had. It was clearer than most and it moved his emotions more than any event he could remember actually happening.
She asked him, “What’s your situation at home?”
“I’m all yours.”
But there was still hesitation in the air and he asked her, “What about you?”
She did not answer and so he went in and kissed her.
She slightly turned her face so he was kissing the corner of her mouth, and as he tried to part her lips she kept them together. She was not being rude or making him feel bad, she was only holding her ground.
But he took the lack of reciprocation personally and he stepped back and said, “Sorry.”
“No,” she said, “It’s fine.”
“Well, obviously not,” he said, keeping his face as close as he could.
“Yeah, obviously,” she said, pulling back, “But don’t take it that way.”
“There are things I have committed to.”
He was not happy to hear it and said, “Right, things.”
And then she said to him, “All right. Him.”
He woke up shortly after but not before he felt the sadness, then slowly feeling better knowing it was only a dream.
That was a few days ago.
Now he felt the sadness again, looking at the blue dress and then the black top. He still remembered the dream and what the girl had said and he knew it was true. He saw the man in the pictures and he was not so caught up as to be overlooking things.
But he ultimately decided that it was her problem and a bridge he’d cross when he got there and he took the card from his wallet and started for the phone.